I'm sorry my penis didn't work
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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