You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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