When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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