I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
