i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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