the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
