I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
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