My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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