You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Couch. On fire.
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