somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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