Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
