i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
