Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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