no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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