Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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