evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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