Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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