i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
