the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
