I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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