I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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