WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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