You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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