why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
