there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
