and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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