Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
