I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
