I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
