its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
