I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
