fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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