Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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