please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
