I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
