i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
