I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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