Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i came on her dog
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
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