i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
