Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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