i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
