I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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