either way he was missing a nipple.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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