I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
