I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
