Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
