Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
