I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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