bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
