I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
