Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you traded sex for a burrito?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
