Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
