you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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