you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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