How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
