whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
