It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize