rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
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