Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize