btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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